I’m still on holiday – on the tail end of a relaxing two weeks in Kimberley (is there any other way to be in Kimberley?) and while I have spent hours staring at my screen, I haven’t spent any time actually writing any actual words. Which isn’t great for a blogger and explains the dip in my Google stats over the last few weeks.
What I do have instead is a list of things I’d like to blog about. Here it is (in no particular order):

1. A rant about the quality of cheap Chinese toys. This rant will invariably descend into a mini-rant about how, when I was a kid, we used to make all of our own toys from left over poodle and bits of string. This is just curmudgeonly and boring, so I probably won’t actually write it.

2. Some thoughts around the ANC Youth League, asking why the party needs a Youth League anyway. Granted it had a role to play in the struggle days when underground mobilisation of the youth was everything – but surely a sophisticated party in a modern democracy should be about cohesion and strength in numbers? And having a separate body just adds to the noise? The Youth League will invariably agree with the “Mother Party”, when it doesn’t it gets slapped on the wrists, so why do we need something that simply echoes agreement all the time? Ah yes – let me answer my own question: It’s about the comedic value of giving Julius Malema sufficient status and power to ensure that he stays in the headlines and provides us all with a good laugh as the economy, the arms deal, AIDS and OBE conspire to undo the great work of the elder statesmen of the ANC.

3. Decaffeinated coffee. I mean, really. You can’t be serious? It’s like marketing erection-free condoms.

4. A list of the Christmas presents I received in ascending order of how much I liked them.

5. I had a head-on collision with a pigeon the other day and arrived at my destination to find it buried head first in my radiator grill. It’s tiny grey arse was flapping and feathering in the wind, even though it must have been dead for several hours, and I refused to touch it. Next morning it was gone. Where?

6. I wish Fred Khumalo, Ndumiso Ngcobo, Ferial Haffajee and Mondli Makhanya  would all stop writing. Forever. They’re showing me up and, seeing how they cut to the heart of hugely complex issues with razor-like precision and articulate their essence makes me want to curl up into a little ball and sob quietly to myself. What’s the point of even trying to be a blogger or writer when they’re the competition?

7. A rant about the warmongering in the Middle East. I actually began writing this one, and got as far as giving it a title. But reading how perfectly Mondli Makhanya articulated the issue in last week’s Sunday Times (see 6 above) made me give up before the first sentence was written. (For lovers of pointless information, the blog was going to be entitled “Israel: Grow Up”)

8. The stupidity of New Year’s resolutions. What is it about 31 December that turns people into fun-loving, stranger-kissing, self-improvement wankers? I blame Dr Phil. And Oprah for the other 364 days a year.

9. A list of things I’d like to blog about.
Oh well, happy new year. I’ve achieved one out of nine. And probably won’t get to the rest, so come back soon for something fresh.