He runs a blog at www.juliusmalema.co.za – not a bad looking one, actually. Short on words, big pic (and who said the internet doesn’t reflect real life?) Check it out while you can…because it could well get deleted in a week or two. A WHOIS search for the ownership of the domain juliusmalema.co.za shows that someone hasn’t being paying the bills – and the domain is earmarked for deletion. That means that it goes back into the mighty domain pot in the sky and it is first come first served….and with, apparantly, a national fixation around impersonating the mighty Twitter-killer, I reckon there are dozens of wannabees sitting with fingers poised to snap up the domain the second it becomes available. Then it’s anybody’s bet as to what will happen, and what the reaction will be.

Fortunately for Mr Malema there is a precedent and cybersquatting on domains is (marginally) easier to fix than a flood of Twitternators (my word, feel free to use it or, in the ANCYL’s case, miss-spell it in a press release). They could do a Madonna (no, not wear pointy nipples and sing about being a virgin….although that does have a certain appeal) and appeal to ICANN, as she did in 2000 to retrieve her name from a squatter.

Or they could just pay the bill. It’s only R50 and, really Mr Malema, it is probably a lot easier.

Here’s the screengrab, click to see it full size (ANCYL – that’s, um, the little clicky buttony thing on the LEFT hand side (the hand you don’t shake with) of the mousy looking thing with a wire coming out of it next to your computer, which is the shiny thing in front of you….no, not your BMW….oh never mind. Ask someone else to show you.)

PS Love the email address given as the invoicing address. The optimism of Youth. But it does explain why they haven’t been getting the invoices – they’re arriving in Kgalema Mothlanthe’s inbox.

WHOIS Screengrab

That’s how I feel now. Please read this statement issued today by the ANC Youth League. Cut and pasted, with no additions or deletions from me. Yet.

ANC YL instructs Nandos to promptly withdraw their disgusting advertisements.
The African National Congress Youth League calls for the immediate withdrawal of the disgusting Nandos television and radio advertisements which uses cheap satire to undermine electoral politics in South Africa. Whatever is the lousy explanation of the Nandos advertisement, the ANC YL is fully aware that the advertisement is intended at mocking the President of the ANC YL, and in a racist fashion portrays political leaders as Cartoons.

The ANC YL has commissioned our Lawyers to investigate the legal issues that could arise around the whole advertisement, and they will soon advise us on action. While awaiting the legal advice, the ANC YL instructs the Nandos Company and those who did the advertisement to promptly withdraw the advert from all television screens and radio channels. If Nandos does not withdraw the adverts, the ANC YL will mobilise the people of South Africa to take militant action against Nandos and anything associated with Nandos.

Oh where to start???? Other bloggers like Matt Buckland have had their say on the ad and I am largely in agreement that it is average at best. If you haven’t yet seen it, do yourself a favour and view it now.

Let’s now go through this little gem of a press statement piece by piece

ANC YL instructs Nandos to promptly withdraw their disgusting advertisements.

The African National Congress Youth League calls for the immediate withdrawal of the disgusting Nandos television and radio advertisements which uses cheap satire to undermine electoral politics in South Africa.

OK we’ll ignore the contorted grammar/confused singularisation of “uses”. I love the fact that the ANC YL genuinely believe that they have the right to “instruct” anyone to do anything. When did they become so powerful? And they’ve missed the point – the ad in question does use satire, but not to “undermine electoral politics in South Africa”. It uses satire to illustrate what a complete and utter buffoon Julius Malema is. On the one hand the nation’s joker laughably sets himself up as the party’s “decoy”, providing political cover for his masters to continue their race to the Union Buildings unhindered. In so doing he is happy to verbally harangue and demean whoever comes across his path without a hint of decorum or dignity. On the other, he gets cross when a puppet makes him look, well, like the blustering buffoon that he is.

Whatever is the lousy explanation of the Nandos advertisement, the ANC YL is fully aware that the advertisement is intended at mocking the President of the ANC YL…

Again, some fearless mangling of the English language and distortion of logic. But isn’t it great that they feel compelled to articulate how aware they are of the purpose of the ad. “You can’t pull the wool over our eyes…we know you’re taking the piss” they assert. Well….duh. Well spotted guys. If you didn’t get that the ad was intended to mock Mr Malema then you really would be in serious trouble. Well done on getting the joke.

…and in a racist fashion portrays political leaders as Cartoons.

I enjoyed the random use of capitals here. It makes the word stand out – again in a “we spotted that this wasn’t really our beloved President” kind of way. But hang on a second, let’s take another look at the ad – it wasn’t a Cartoon or even a cartoon. It was, in fact, a puppet. Or, more accurately, a ventriloquist’s doll. The person standing next to it pretending to be the operator was a clue. But what I’m missing here is this: The sentence construction might be at fault here but it seems to say that portraying a political leader as a Cartoon (puppet) is a racist action. I’m sorry? I’m just not getting it.

The ANC YL has commissioned our Lawyers to investigate the legal issues that could arise around the whole advertisement, and they will soon advise us on action. While awaiting the legal advice, the ANC YL instructs the Nandos Company and those who did the advertisement to promptly withdraw the advert from all television screens and radio channels.

Let’s put this another way: We phoned our Lawyers (like Cartoons, deserving of a capital. Quite right too. ) and told them we were unhappy. They are presently locked in the law library desperately trying to find some justification for legal action. But whether or not they find anything, we still want you to pull the advertisement. No, scratch that, we don’t want you to…we are instructing you to. We’re hurt and feel betrayed by Nandos and we’re going to put the word “Company” after their name, again with a capital, just to show how serious we can be. And at the same time we are going to enjoin those who “did” the advertisement just for good measure. Note that advertisements are “done” these days, not made or produced or created. Done.

If Nandos does not withdraw the adverts, the ANC YL will mobilise the people of South Africa to take militant action against Nandos and anything associated with Nandos.

This is my favourite bit. Not only are we so overwhelmingly pissed off with Nandos, but we are convinced that the “people of South Africa” agree and will join our “militant action”. But wait – there’s more. Not only are we going to take this action against Nandos, but “anything associated with Nandos”. Anything? Anything at all? Just to help the ANC YL here is a list of things “associated with Nandos” that they need to make sure to include in their action:

• Chicken (obviously)
• Peri Peri (ditto)
• Mozambique (their map is on every wall in every branch)
• Chicken livers (from the Starter menu)
• China (who make the toys that come in the kiddies packs)
• Mealies, mealie farmers and all people everywhere who sell, eat or look at mealies (including the lady in the Madam & Eve Cartoon…yet again clearly racist and the ANC YL’s next target)
• Wet wipes (who do a roaring trade when people eat Nandos in their cars)
• The Nandos branch in London
• The Lusitoland Festival and, by extension, everyone living in the South of Johannesburg
• Potato Wedges, potato farmers and people who look like potatoes
• Me (because I had Nandos for dinner tonight)

There’s more, obviously, but let’s not get picky. To battle people. Our leader’s dignity has been attacked. Not by him (this time) but by those cocky people who did the advertisement. At last, something meaty to complain about.

Look, on a serious note, the ad is lame. Not up to Nandos’ usually high standard. It plays to stereotypes, isn’t particularly well acted and lacks a fiery punchline. But deserving of militant action? Hardly. If Julius Malema ever wants to be taken seriously as a politican, it is time he grew up. Seriously. Or else he will continue to be the national joke, the laughing stock of all and a continued source of shame to millions of intelligent and rational ANC members. And he will, therefore, never be a serious contender for high office. But at least there will be lots of laughs on the way.

I’m still on holiday – on the tail end of a relaxing two weeks in Kimberley (is there any other way to be in Kimberley?) and while I have spent hours staring at my screen, I haven’t spent any time actually writing any actual words. Which isn’t great for a blogger and explains the dip in my Google stats over the last few weeks.
What I do have instead is a list of things I’d like to blog about. Here it is (in no particular order):

1. A rant about the quality of cheap Chinese toys. This rant will invariably descend into a mini-rant about how, when I was a kid, we used to make all of our own toys from left over poodle and bits of string. This is just curmudgeonly and boring, so I probably won’t actually write it.

2. Some thoughts around the ANC Youth League, asking why the party needs a Youth League anyway. Granted it had a role to play in the struggle days when underground mobilisation of the youth was everything – but surely a sophisticated party in a modern democracy should be about cohesion and strength in numbers? And having a separate body just adds to the noise? The Youth League will invariably agree with the “Mother Party”, when it doesn’t it gets slapped on the wrists, so why do we need something that simply echoes agreement all the time? Ah yes – let me answer my own question: It’s about the comedic value of giving Julius Malema sufficient status and power to ensure that he stays in the headlines and provides us all with a good laugh as the economy, the arms deal, AIDS and OBE conspire to undo the great work of the elder statesmen of the ANC.

3. Decaffeinated coffee. I mean, really. You can’t be serious? It’s like marketing erection-free condoms.

4. A list of the Christmas presents I received in ascending order of how much I liked them.

5. I had a head-on collision with a pigeon the other day and arrived at my destination to find it buried head first in my radiator grill. It’s tiny grey arse was flapping and feathering in the wind, even though it must have been dead for several hours, and I refused to touch it. Next morning it was gone. Where?

6. I wish Fred Khumalo, Ndumiso Ngcobo, Ferial Haffajee and Mondli Makhanya  would all stop writing. Forever. They’re showing me up and, seeing how they cut to the heart of hugely complex issues with razor-like precision and articulate their essence makes me want to curl up into a little ball and sob quietly to myself. What’s the point of even trying to be a blogger or writer when they’re the competition?

7. A rant about the warmongering in the Middle East. I actually began writing this one, and got as far as giving it a title. But reading how perfectly Mondli Makhanya articulated the issue in last week’s Sunday Times (see 6 above) made me give up before the first sentence was written. (For lovers of pointless information, the blog was going to be entitled “Israel: Grow Up”)

8. The stupidity of New Year’s resolutions. What is it about 31 December that turns people into fun-loving, stranger-kissing, self-improvement wankers? I blame Dr Phil. And Oprah for the other 364 days a year.

9. A list of things I’d like to blog about.
Oh well, happy new year. I’ve achieved one out of nine. And probably won’t get to the rest, so come back soon for something fresh.